How parents influence child behavior & what your child is really learning in the hard moments
We started a new routine at the ranch recently.
Instead of just feeding the horses in the pasture, we’ve been haltering and tying them before they eat. It’s good for them. It builds patience and reinforces some things we want them to learn.
Most days it goes smoothly.
The other day didn’t.
I was a little pressed for time, trying to move things along, and Frank decided he wasn’t all that interested in being caught. If you know Frank, that’s not unusual. He’s not difficult, but he’s not in a hurry to do anything unless he’s convinced it’s worth it.
At first, I just tried to move things along. A little more effort. A little more urgency.
But the more frustrated I got, the less interested he became.
It wasn’t dramatic. He didn’t run off. He just stayed out of reach, watching me, waiting me out. And the harder I tried to make it happen, the more the whole thing stalled out.
Eventually I had to stop and ask Michelle to take over.
She walked into the pasture without any rush to her. No frustration. No urgency. Within a few moments, Frank let her walk right up and catch him.
Same horse. Same situation.
Different response.
And that changed everything.
What’s Really Driving the Moment
It would have been easy to say the issue was Frank’s behavior.
He wasn’t cooperating. He wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do. From the outside, it looked like a simple problem to solve.
But that wasn’t really what was going on.
What changed the situation wasn’t more pressure or better technique.
It was the person bringing something different into the moment.
That’s something we see all the time with horses.
It’s also something we see with kids.
Where Our Focus Usually Goes
As parents, we tend to lock in on behavior pretty quickly.
When something is off, we notice it. When something needs to be corrected, we step in. That’s part of what it means to lead and guide our kids.
But behavior doesn’t exist on its own.
There’s usually something underneath it—something driving it.
That’s what we talked about earlier in this series. Behavior communicates. It points to something deeper going on inside a child.
What often gets missed is that our response is communicating something too.
What Your Child Is Learning From You
Kids are paying attention to more than what we say.
They’re watching how we handle frustration. They’re learning what pressure looks like by being around us when things don’t go smoothly. They’re figuring out whether hard moments are something to push through, avoid, or get overwhelmed by.
Most of that learning happens quietly.
It shows up in how they respond later, often in ways that feel disconnected from the original moment.
At the ranch, when a child starts to get frustrated with a horse, the situation usually becomes more difficult, not less. The horse doesn’t suddenly get clearer because the child is more intense. It tends to slow everything down even more.
But when a child settles and regains some clarity, the horse begins to engage.
The situation hasn’t changed.
The person has.
When We Get Pulled Into It
Most of us know what it’s like to get pulled into a moment.
Something small turns into something bigger. We feel it happening, but we’re already in it. Before long, we’re reacting instead of leading.
It doesn’t take much.
Being tired. Feeling rushed. Carrying something else from earlier in the day.
That’s what happened with me and Frank.
I wasn’t thinking about how I was showing up. I was just trying to get something done. But what I brought into that moment shaped how it played out.
The same thing happens at home more often than we realize.
There’s a moment in the Gospels that comes to mind when I think about this.
The disciples are out on the water and a storm comes up that’s strong enough to shake them. These weren’t inexperienced guys—they knew what they were doing—but this one had their full attention. Everything about the moment felt out of control.
Their response reflects that. They wake Jesus up in a panic, trying to pull Him into the urgency of what they’re feeling.
What stands out is how differently He responds.
He doesn’t match their intensity. He doesn’t escalate with them. He speaks into it with a kind of steadiness that isn’t being driven by the storm.
And that changes everything.
The Difference Between Reacting and Responding
There’s a difference between reacting and responding, even if it’s subtle.
A reaction tends to come straight out of whatever we’re feeling in the moment.
A response has a little more awareness behind it. It may not take long, but there’s enough space to choose how we’re going to step into what’s happening.
That space matters.
It changes the tone. It changes the direction. Sometimes it changes the outcome, and sometimes it just changes how we walk through it.
Over time, those moments shape what our kids come to expect and how they learn to handle similar situations themselves.
The Lesson That Stays
This is where it all comes together.
Your child is learning how to handle their life by watching how you handle yours.
Not in theory. Not from what you explain after the fact.
In the middle of real moments, when things don’t go as planned.
They’re learning what to do with frustration. What to do when something feels out of control. What it looks like to stay engaged instead of shutting down or escalating.
That doesn’t mean you have to get it right every time.
But it does mean your presence in those moments carries more weight than you might think.
When You Don’t Handle It Well
There will be times when you look back and wish you had handled something differently.
That’s part of it.
Those moments don’t undo everything else.
In fact, they can still become something good if you go back and address them.
Coming back to your child, owning your part, and reconnecting shows them something just as important as getting it right the first time.
It shows them that relationships don’t fall apart when things go wrong. It shows them that repair is possible.
That matters more than most parents realize.
Faith in the Middle of It
For those of us walking with Christ, this is something we’re learning too.
God doesn’t respond to us with urgency or frustration when we struggle. He isn’t trying to force quick change out of us. There’s a steadiness in the way He deals with us that holds, even when we’re not at our best.
As that begins to shape us, it changes how we show up.
Not perfectly. But gradually.
We begin to bring something different into our homes, into our conversations, into the moments that matter most.
Where This Begins
This doesn’t start with fixing your child’s behavior.
It starts with noticing your own response.
The next time something doesn’t go the way you expected, pay attention to what you bring into that moment. Not just what you say, but how you carry yourself in it.
That’s where the environment is being shaped.
And over time, that environment becomes one of the strongest influences in your child’s life.
Because in the end, they won’t just remember what you corrected.
They’ll remember what it felt like to be with you when things were hard.
If You Want to Read More
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Most of us are learning as we go, trying to figure out how to show up well for our kids in moments that don’t always go as planned.
If you’d like to keep exploring this, here are a few places to go next:
- Your Presence Matters More Than You Think
A look at how the environment we create shapes how our kids grow. - Foundations for Growth Series
Start here to understand why relationship—not behavior—is the foundation for lasting change. - Building Confidence Series
Explore how kids develop real confidence through challenge, identity, and steady support. - Don’t Rescue Too Soon
Why stepping back at the right time helps your child grow stronger. - Building Confidence Starts With Identity
Helping your child know who they are, not just what they do.
Growth doesn’t come from getting every moment right.
It comes from staying present, paying attention, and continuing to grow alongside your child.
